On changing my name

If you’re new here, nice to meet you! If we’ve connected before, yes - you’re on the right site, don’t worry.

While this space is indeed reserved for literary musings and professional connections, I’ve decided to also share the below with you all:

I’ve been going by Zuri in smaller, organizing circles for a little while and I’ve made the decision to push past my anxiety and utilize this name widely, publicly & officially. 

I want to preface this by saying that no one who changes their name is obligated to provide an explanation for why. I am individually making the choice to do so because speaking the reasons out loud mirror the reasons for the choice itself: a culmination of intentional choices to be louder about the ways l’m shedding expectations placed on me by others. And, I hope to reaffirm the idea that regardless of the space, you are entitled to be addressed as who you are.

The name Zuri, translated from Swahili, means “beautiful” or “light.”

Black women are often expected to be strong, and our presence is often received as heavy. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been made to feel “too” — loud, angry, opinionated, emotional, big, much. 

Without minimizing my voice and my truth-telling, I’m choosing to be light. And, I’m choosing to be addressed as such. 

Like many Black and fat women living in a white-centric, diet-obsessed country, society has told me that I’m subpar when it comes to beauty. Couple these factors with women and feminine people often being judged first on looks — from our job readiness to our cleanliness to our sensuality — and you can imagine the ways in which I could’ve (and did) internalize ways I was told I both lacked and was too… 

Because of the pervasiveness of these societal standards, much of this was reinforced by one person or another throughout my life, and it’s taken (and continues to take) intentional time & effort to unlearn. 

Zuri is a name that called to me, and I almost didn’t respond because of its meaning. However, in choosing to reject the ideas that’ve been taught and reinforced to me throughout my life, I pushed through that initial discomfort in order to choose myself. 

There’s an odd expectation for people to have confidence “but not like, too much” because then it’s cocky. 

Why is it that we’re only supposed to accept definitions and labels given to us by other people? Why is it that the only response to someone commenting on our appearance is “thank you” even if I didn’t fucking ask? 

And, can we talk about how beauty doesn’t just apply to our physical bodies. It speaks to the way we engage with other people. It speaks to how we opt to lean into understanding versus finger-pointing. It speaks to the gentleness we use to soothe a baby. It speaks to the way we might address a crowd. It speaks to how we chop our vegetables with care or ice our cake with intricacy.

It’s not just about how you perceive someone else’s attractiveness, or how you internalize that perception from someone else. 

Lastly, Black people are often considered and felt to be stateless because of the impact of the Trans-Atlantic Slave Trade. We’re spread out through the US & the Caribbean, often with our descendants having no idea about where the one before them came from. 

My previous name has its roots in Black American culture, which to be clear, I’m not ashamed of or reject. And, I’ve chosen to go further back and reclaim some semblance of the African culture I (and many others like me) have been denied. Swahili is one of the most commonly spoken languages spoken in West Africa — likely where my ancestors are from. 

While small, this is one of the ways I’m choosing to more intentionally honor them and their impact.

All that said: Call me Zuri.